And good things come to those who wait. There seems to be an increasing impatience in society. We want what we want, and we want it now. We want instant results, and if we don’t get them, it must be someone elses fault. One of the big changes I’ve noticed in matchmaking over the last 20 odd years is the time frame in which matches are done. Once upon I time, when people joined, we would advise them to expect a match in within 7 days. These days, most people expect to get their first match on the same day. And if that doesn’t work out, they are looking for another match the next day.

There is no doubt about it, loneliness is a terrible thing. A real, physical pain. It can be crushing and debilitating. I understand that when a person has made the decision to end their loneliness and find a partner, they want it to happen NOW. Everybody hopes that they will join, meet one person and live happily ever after. And for some people, it does happen. Which is great. But for the vast majority of people, the first person won’t be the right person. We are good, but we are not magic!

Most people will need to meet a number of people before they meet the right person. Some people will need to meet a large number. This is a process. When you are looking for the right person, you are looking for someone whose company you enjoy, someone you are physically attracted to and someone who shares enough of your beliefs and values for the two of you to be able to make a life together. This is not going to happen with everyone. The right person may not even be on the books yet. Every month we receive around 300 enquiries from New Zealand and 250 enquiries from Australia, so there are always plenty of new opportunities.

The key to success is to RELAX. Just BREATHE. Know the right person is out there and trust that you deserve to be loved and to be happy. When an introduction doesn’t work out, instead of thinking of it as a ‘failure’, just remember that each person you meet brings you one step closer to meeting the person who is right for you. Every person has a value, they all have good points and bad points and there may be some great friends that you can make along the way.

Unlike other ‘life improvement’ type services, sometimes people can get disappointed because the results are not visible. When you work with a personal fitness trainer, it will take time to get to your ideal result, but if you do the work you will start to see gradual changes which can help with the motivation to keep going. Finding the right person can seem more of an ‘all or nothing’ outcome. In that until you find that perfect person, you will still be single. But just because the results are not visible, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Every time you meet someone new you get a great opportunity to a) brush up your dating skills, b)learn something new from the other person, c) widen your circle of friends and most importantly, d)learn more about yourself and what you are looking for in a partner, and by giving us your feedback, you will help us match you more accurately next time.

So look for the silver lining in any cloud, remember you are a great and marvellous creation and if you stay positive and authentic, you WILL find love and happiness!

When asked to describe how this business works, I often compare matchmaking to the similar ‘listing’ industries of Real Estate and Recruitment.  Since Real Estate is something most of us have some experience with, I find it is the most useful to illustrate how we work and the ways that our clients can help us help them.

When you engage a Real Estate Agent, you want them to get you the best price and generally in the shortest possible time. Most people would know though, that “best price” and “shortest time” are not always compatible.  The highest likelihood is that the Agent will not have the perfect buyer for you sitting on their books waiting. Those people already waiting  are there  either because they are waiting for the “desperate” buyer who needs to sell immediately at any price or they have looked at every property that comes in any can’t find anything they like, usually because their expectations don’t fit their budget.  In most cases  the Agent  will use their wide network and extensive marketing to attract a constant stream of people who are looking to buy and one of those will be right for you.

Likewise, most people come to a matchmaker because they want them to find the best possible person in the shortest space of time. And again, “best possible partner” and “shortest possible time” are not always compatible.  And whilst desperation may be great for the savvy real estate investor, it’s probably not something most people are looking for in a partner.  So remember, when using a matchmaker, that the ideal person for you may well not be on our books right now.  In fact it’s quite likely that we will need to  use our extensive network and marketing to attract a steady stream of singles and one of those will be right for you.  Just as your Real Estate Agent will advise you not to expect to get a satisfactory offer from the first person that looks, as Matchmakers, we want our clients to understand that they will most likely have to meet  a number of people before they meet someone they wish to see regularly.

When you list your property with an agent, they will ask you for your ideal price, as well as your rock bottom price.  A matchmaker will ask you to describe your ideal partner and then ask you to look at what areas you are prepared to compromise.  At this point a good Real Estate Agent and a good Matchmaker will let you know if, in their professional opinion, you are being unrealistic.  A real estate agent knows the property market, and a matchmaker knows the dating ‘market’.   It’s a real shame that too many people price themselves out of the market  by having a long list of demands or by having expectations that are unrealistic. Of course everyone wants the best partner they can find, but it pays to have a good look at yourself and ask “What do I have to offer?” and “Would someone like this, be looking for someone like me?” Most people spend an awful lot of time worrying about what they want to get out of a relationship and very little time thinking about what they are bringing to it.

Then of course we need to look at the important issue of aesthetics. Real Estate Agents know that sellers who fail to properly present their properties are likely to take a lot longer to sell and are going to have a much tougher time getting a good price.  In matters of love and attraction, we all need to have a good long look in the mirror and see whether  what is reflected there is likely to attract the type of person we are hoping for. For example, if you are 20kgs  over weight but don’t want to accept a partner who is overweight,  then you probably are being unrealistic.  In 24 years I have never had anyone tell me they look old for their age. Every single person thinks they look younger than they do. I’ll let you in on a secret. – just because your friends tell you something, doesn’t mean its completely true. Friends are nice to  friends, that’s why they are their friends!  In the same way people never see their houses as others see them, they rarely see themselves as others do. So have an objective look at yourself. Could you use a new haircut?  Could your wardrobe use a bit of a refresh?  When you are going to a meeting, have you spent the time to make yourself look as good as possible, rather than just turning up in whatever you put on that morning?

The final and most important point is DON’T SABOTAGE THE DEAL.

There is a good reason Real Estate Agents prefer to show a property when the seller is not home. They don’t want the seller to talk themselves out of a deal.  In the matchmaking business however, you will need to be a lot more involved!  This is when you need to listen to our advice.  Estate Agents know that it’s pretty hard to sell a property without getting the person to look at it. They know that when a person sees a property and falls IN LOVE it will usually overcome obstacles like too high a price, not the right suburb, etc.  Often what brings us happiness is not exactly what we thought.

When it comes to finding love and happiness, there is ZERO chance of finding that if you don’t meet the person in the first place. People who get on the phone and give the person a virtual job interview before dismissing them as unsuitable for whatever reason are going to fight an uphill battle to find a partner. Ditto people who get on the phone and tell the person their life history and everything that is wrong with them.

We all have positives and negatives, no one is perfect. A natural part of the courting process is getting to know a person and deciding whether the good outweighs the not so good.  There is no need to lay everything on the table on the first phone call or meeting. Don’t proceed to set out your list of demands or expectations. Just relax, go and meet and see if you click. The right person may not end up being everything you thought you wanted, yet still be far more than you dreamed.

 

You only get one chance to make a good first impression, so it is worth the time and effort to do a little planning.  Women love a “take charge guy”. Now that doesn’t mean they like someone who wants to bully or control. It means women are attracted to a man who is able to make a plan and a decision without having to refer to them. There’s nothing attractive about feeling like someones mother! So when you are ringing a lady for the first time, have a plan. Make a short list of appropriate venues that are local to the lady.  You want the lady to be in her comfort zone so that she is relaxed and at ease when you meet. If she feels unsafe or anxious due to the venue, she will equate these feelings to being with you and you most certainly won’t get a second date.

When you ring, be calm and assured, introduce yourself and suggest the two of you get together for a coffee or drink or whatever you had in mind.  Suggest a venue and but also say “unless there is somewhere in particular you would like to meet?”  Have a couple of backup venues in mind in case she is not keen on your first choice.

Happy dating!

Joanne

 

Over many years of introducing men and women I have found that the single biggest mistake people make (and quite frankly one of the rudest habits we see) is “GRILLING” the person they have been introduced to about such topics as

*Why did you split up with your ex?

*When was your last relationship?

*Why are you single?

*Why did you join the agency?

*Who else have you met?

*How much did you pay the agency?

Not only are these sorts of questions inappropriate, they are downright RUDE!

People who persist in asking these sorts of questions are unlikely to ever find a partner until they cease this behaviour.

Some people even think they know better or have special rights because they work as counselors or therapists.  Some people say “I’m just inquisitive”.

No you are just rude.

Just because you have been ‘introduced’ to a person doesn’t mean you should throw all the normal rules out the window and put the other party through some kind of interrogation. If you had been introduced through a mutual friend or colleague or met through mutual interests you wouldn’t ask those sorts of questions. 

Treat the people you meet through the agency with the same respect as you would treat people you met anywhere.

On the same topic, be sure you are not guilty of ‘unloading’ about your past to the people you meet.

Never run down your past partner or the previous people you have been introduced to. It does NOT make you look good. Quite the opposite in fact.

People want a partner to enhance their life, no one wants to meet someone who complains about everyone and everything, or apportions blame for every problem they have.

So put on a happy face and talk about something else!

I watched ‘Millionaire Matchmaker’ last night for the first time. This lady seems pretty switched on and she was dealing with a problem we see very often.  Many men (and some women) find that their dates/relationships fail over and over again, simply because they are looking for the wrong type of person.  So often men will keep going for the type of woman they fancy, rather than the type of woman who is going to be a good partner for them.

On last nights show the gentleman in question complained that everytime he went out with a woman they had nothing in common.  They were from different worlds, he said.  He wanted someone down to earth, who he could talk to.  Then, true to form, out of all the women he could have chosen to go on a date with, he picked an actress/model 25 years younger than himself.  Of course, they didn’t get along, they had nothing in common. 

There is an old saying “If you do what you have always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got”. In other words, if you keep having the same problems over and over again in your relationships, perhaps it is because you keep going for the wrong type of partner.  

If you want to find a partner for life, have a think about the qualities that are going to be important to you in 10, 20 or 40 years time.  We are all going to get old and grey one day, so someone whose company you enjoy and whom you can laugh with is the kind of person who is going to be a good lifetime partner.  If you are only going on physical attraction and appearance, when the attraction wears off and good looks fade, what will you be left with? Of course you need to be attracted to the person.  Attraction isn’t always at first sight.   We can all be attracted to different people for different reasons.  Try spending some time in the company of someone who isn’t your normal ‘type’. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Cheers

Joanne

Things are certainly different these days when it comes to meeting people.

I’ve just been reading how different people meet these days and via Introduction Agencies is still way up there – like it has always been.

. I really enjoy the fact that we match great people together who might not otherwise have met because they don’t move in the same social circles.

If you’re looking to meet someone, give us a call and let’s see if we can help!

Take care.

Joanne