Why don’t (a lot of) women say what they really mean?
Mostly because women have been brought up to be peacemakers. The ones who smooth over troubled waters, soothe hurt feelings and generally provide the glue that keeps families together. Hurting someone’s feelings, either deliberately or accidentally is something they want to avoid at all costs.
They also don’t want to be seen as aggressive, demanding or desperate. So often women will say things that they think will save the other persons feelings, rather than the actual truth.
In the courtship process, if a man is interested in getting to know a woman better, he will need to put some effort into pursuing her. This means that if the woman is not interested, she needs to rebuff his advances, and unfortunately too many women take the option of making an excuse that takes the blame off the man, rather than telling him straight “It was really nice to meet you, unfortunately I don’t think we are a match, I hope you find someone you like soon.
Of course, men are not without fault. If a man is not interested in seeing a woman again, he can simply not call her. No excuses needed. And some will do this even after they have told her they will call. Also, in some cases when a man is told a polite “No Thank you”, he responds with a torrent of abuse and insults. These men are making it hard for other men, as I’m sure any most people would be tempted to tell a pleasing lie rather than the hard truth if the truth got them abused.
It’s helpful for a man to know what a woman is really saying to him. It can stop people from getting frustrated or from making the mistakes that sabotage a meetup. So let’s have a look at some of the most common ones:
When she says: “I’m not looking for a relationship.”
Let’s start with the obvious. No one joins a matchmaking service, accepts a match and meets up with someone if they are not looking for a relationship of some kind. No one is that desperate for a cup of coffee that they have to spend an hour with a total stranger to get it. There are millions of coffee shops they can go to anytime. So what does this really mean? In the vast majority of cases it means some variation on this “You have asked me what I am looking for or told me that you are looking for something serious. I have only just met you and this is way too much. I feel like you are expecting me to agree to being in a relationship with you and I’m still trying to work out if I even want to meetup again. I want to get the know the man and I want him to get to know me. I’m worried that you will just take the first woman that says yes rather than be genuinely interested in me”. Occasionally it means “No thanks I’m not interested in seeing you again” but mostly it means “You are trying to push things too quickly”.
When she says: “I’ve already got someone”
Again, no one goes for coffee with a total stranger if they are not looking. In some cases if is possible that she does have someone she’s sort of seeing but not that keen on, so she decided to meet you to see if you were any better than him. Now she’s decided you’re not, so she uses the other bloke as an excuse. If she had decided she preferred you, for sure she would have dropped the other bloke like a hot potato and you would never have known of his existence.
Alternatively this can also mean “I want to show that other men are interested in me and I am not desperate. If you are interested you will need to put some effort in”
Also, it can mean the plain old “No thanks I’m not interested in seeing you again”
When she says: “I don’t know why the agency called me, I haven’t heard from them in ages”
This may be some version of the truth or not. In order to match 1 man with the type of person he is requesting, we need to have at least 50 women to choose from. So obviously some women won’t hear from us for anything from a few days to years. However, the same principle applies regardless, no one goes for coffee with a total stranger if they are not looking. So why does she say this?
- “I don’t want to appear desperate or like an easy catch, so I’m going to play it like I don’t care one way or the other”
- You just gave her an earful about the other ladies you have been introduced to and what was wrong with them or had a whinge because they were not interested in you. She decided it was easier to let you continue with that narrative and blame the agency rather than say “No Thanks”
When she says: “I’m too busy”
Either “I tell everyone how busy I am because it’s my excuse as to why I am not in a relationship. I’m so used to doing it that it has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you want to see me again you will need to put in the effort to work around whatever I am busy with”
These are the main excuses that women give and as you can see, sometimes it can be hard to work out what their real motivation is. But this should at least give you a tool to look back at a meeting or interaction and see if there was a way if could have been done better.
The same woman that gives one of these excuses often rings us even before you do to ask for another match, so in some cases there is still a chance with that lady if a different approach is taken. Women tell us everything that men do wrong in the courting process (and vice versa) so if we can find out what went wrong we can sometimes get people to give each other another chance.
People are often alone for a reason and if we can find out what that reason is and change the behaviour, we can change the outcome.
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